lifethrupoems

I sit on gravestones of broken relationships

Always there to comfort the mourners

It doesn’t matter that I lost a friend

To my own feelings I am but a foreigner

I perch on bedside tables and

Inhale to absorb the dark fogs

From dreams, leaving behind only

Pink clouds and puppy dogs

It doesn’t matter that

Dark dream clouds now

Purge my waking thoughts

I’m used to that anyhow

I live within a magic 8-ball

Spitting out advice for

Questions I haven’t yet

Answered for myself nor

Do I plan to, it doesn’t matter

For in the doubts

I feel at home for its

All I know, no way out

Is my default setting

It doesn’t matter

That I am about to drown

I can see them splashing

Happily, no incoming breakdowns

Because I’m here for them

And don’t think I don’t

Believe they’d be there

For me, they’ve shown

They care, but they shouldn’t

Have to, I am fine

It doesn’t matter that

Cracks show when I smile

Any struggles I have

Are only mine

They’ll never see me break

Doesn’t matter how far I bend

I’ll never show them my pain

Because I’m the therapist friend

Do you know what it’s like

To be trapped in your own head

Sanity screaming that you need to care

To live, but you forgot how

And now Sanity is dying

And you can’t revive it since

You never learned CPR

Because freshman year of high school

The world stopped

And they couldn’t teach

CPR over a Teams call

Do you know what it’s like

To be standing over the

Bloody body of tests and homework

And not feel a thing

To forget the feeling of motivation

To do what you loved

You used to love school

When did that go away?

Do you know what it’s like

To be numb at will

To stop and start your heart

As a survival response

Because fighting or flying

Will get you killed in this world

So, you make something new

And you call it freeze

In freeze, you don’t feel a thing

You buy concealer

Practice smiling in the mirror

They won’t notice either way

Do you know what it’s like

To never be free

You only have snatches of light

In the moments of pain

Because only in pain do you feel alive

Because at least in pain

You feel something

Do you know what it’s like

To have that pain ripped away

Shattered glass repaired against your will

Because you forgot how

To stay mad, stay sad

And you forgot how

To hold onto a feeling

Even as you sit on the

Forbidden rooftop

Sad music playing

Through forgotten headphones

Black beanie covering your eyes

But no tears to hide

And do you know what it’s like

To not be able to feel

Sad for yourself

Because all your life

People told you that

You play up for injuries for attention

Don’t do that, you brat

Stop that, faker

And people kept telling you

Until you didn’t need people anymore

Because you told it to yourself

Birthing a mantra of self-disgust

Doesn’t matter if it wasn’t true

It is now and the voice

In your head won’t ever

Let you forget it

Do you know what it’s like

To hide this poem

Because you finished it

After a fight

And it doesn’t matter

When you started it

Because they’ll all think

You’re just lashing out

And you can’t escape the

Crushing feeling of

What if I’m making it all up

And your own brain

Won’t let you accept that

Maybe you’re a little fucked up

Because look how good you’re living

Do you know what that’s like?

It feels like no one does

Sometimes I want to

Leave this poem out

Where someone will see

Scream it onstage

With a whole crowd there

Because maybe, finally

Someone will know what it’s like

Sun, moon, and stars up high

Look at you like you hung them in the sky

Stand strong, never bend

On only you, do I depend

No one else sees my tears

No one else knows my fears

My dear best friend

My angel, a godsend

Always there to catch me

So, it’s even worse that I couldn’t see

You struggling, drowning under the weight

Of everyone’s suffering, no where to let yourself break

Down and be comforted

I wanted to be that for you

That safe place where you didn’t have to be strong

Could let the weaker part come through

And I knew that there was sadness behind your smile

But I ignored it and lived my life while

You cried alone with no one there

Feeling like no one cared

But now I’m there

I will never forget you

Again, I’ll be the person who

You can turn to

I will always comfort you

I know you think these are just

Empty promises, filled with distrust

To the one that wasn’t there

When you needed her, no one to share

Your troubles with and you thought I’d be there

But please believe me

I’m here for you to flee

All the burdens of everyone’s sorrow

I’ll be there to hold you until tomorrow

When you have to fix everyone

Else’s problems, as soon as you’re done

And you need to break down

I’ll be there to make sure you don’t drown

I won’t make the same mistake again

I promise

Cold fingers slip through

The gaps of my bloody hands

Beating slows under my fingertips

Pressed desperately against the neck

Of the one who wasn’t supposed to leave

I sit frozen

In the river of red life

Flowing from the body

Which was supposed to be forever warm

Forever moving

Forever breathing

Arms drag me away

As I scream and thrash

Because if I can just open

The eyes, you’ll come back

You’ll come back to me

Warm gaze will catch mine

Mouth will form that stupid smirk

Just want to see that smirk one more time

But as I sit on the tree

Where we promised to never leave

Each other all those years ago

I can only grimace

And tell you

As I hear them coming for me

The screams of rage

The weapons of fury

That it won’t be long now

“I’ll see you on the other side”

Look at them like they’re different 

Like they’re wrong 

Were handed a bad deck, 

With too much melanin 

Don’t fit your perfect 

Condescension oozing through your words 

Distaste flickering in your eyes 

Watch the news, see the deaths 

They’re the problem, you say 

Stuff them all in a ditch somewhere 

Slap “ghetto” on the door 

Clean your hands and look away 

Not a second of sleep lost 

…they’re the problem… 

Or maybe it’s you 

Your “us” and “them” is 

Poison slipping through our veins 

So, shut up 

Hold out your hand 

When they fall 

They would do the same 

They don’t start out hardened 

Don’t start out flinching when you approach 

Don’t start out knowing to ignore you 

As you clutch your purse in the elevator 

Don’t start out terrified for their lives 

At the sight of a cop  

They’re taught 

Taught not to feel, by fear 

By the thousands of hashtags, 

All that is left of their loved ones 

And it’s not “them”, not “they” 

It’s us, all of us 

Together we fall 

Together we break 

Together we rise 

Children huddling together

Bruises blending with the wall

Skin paper thin,  ribs visible

Birds laying on shores

Wound tightly around their throats

Plastic squeezing for the kill

Young baby, trunk raised in grief

Mother’s body lying there

Waiting for misery’s end

See them plastered on walls

Short clips on screen

May shed a few tears

May stop a few seconds

But always swipe

Up and away

Move on

And forget

Forget the people starving

Forget the animals choking

Forget the babies crying

Forget their pain

People stand on ledges

Unable to cope

Cops kill, a hairbrush looked like a gun

In the dark hands

One walks free, another dead

We let that happen

Let the cycle continue

May not pull the trigger

But standing by is just as bad

Believe we can’t help

Don’t have enough power

Keep walking, that’s not happening

“I can’t”, “we can’t”

I guess nobody will

End suffering

Look around the room

Filled with decisions

One is made

Five more take its place

Feel a weight on the shoulders

On one, mini-me in white

Wings fluttering

Copy of my hair with white streaks

On the other, another but all red

Sharp trident in the air

Hair cut short, red like fire

White whispers

“Do what is right”

“Right for you“

Red corrects

Don’t know who to follow

Which way to turn

Good girl, restricted by rules

Rebel, danger from risks

Look inside

Find a balance

Between two entities

Strong in their own ways

Between the angel and the devil

Why do we think of the dead with sadness 

When they have moved on from the worries of life 

We put flowers where they rest 

Under trodden dirt 

We weep when we slip up  

And think they’ll be there 

Don’t think of what you could have done 

Think of what you did 

Lazy days sitting by the lake 

Thrill rides where you left your stomach behind 

Dinners under the night sky 

Thinking you could own the world 

Think and hold close to your heart 

The best parts of your kith and kin 

And let go 

Hey there! How’s life?

“nothin”

“bleh”

“idk”

No time for a conversation 

At least not face to face

“but we can text!”

As if that’s an upgrade 

I need to talk to you

“ft or skype”

No, need the real you

Need you to hug me

Tell me everything is going to be alright

“cant talk”

“ttyl”

“lets catch up some other time”

Excuse after excuse

Lunch dates, meet-ups pass by

“srry ig”

“u need to lighten up”

Try to reach out

Tell you what I’m feeling

This isn’t working out

“geez!”

“im leaving”

That’s it

They’re gone

No time to talk

No time the make the connections

The ones that matter

Relationships come from hugs, touch, love

Not heart emojis and screens

But they didn’t care

And now you’ve lost them for good