lifethrupoems

I cry in the office room with my father

Sobs drowned by voices from talking box

Mascara-black tear tracks run down my face

Like neon arrows pointing out my emotions

I don’t wear mascara, but sadness stains my tears like dye

And it’s so obvious, so goddamn obvious

But when talking boxes cease and

My father extends a hand, sideways smile

He doesn’t see

How does he not see

I walk to the room of masters

She’s smothered by blankets

Punching her phone in anger

I say nothing as I grab mine

Because no words can cut tensions like this

They’ll just bounce back and cut me

And i’m already bled dry, the drying tears

And bloodstains are evidence enough 

But she doesn’t see, obviously 

She ignores the wounds of her own creation

I walk hallways alone, head down

Shoulders weighed down with burdens so clear

But see me with friends, you see a bright smile

Shoulders drooping with just the weight of my backpack

Yet in moments of weakness, eyes glass over

I hold them back, but sometimes they fall

And it seems so obvious, so clear

But they never see

I am a poet, I make paintings of letters

My syllables are flags fluttering in winds of glory

I write of things you cannot see and give them names

Call forth beasts others keep hidden

I write of pain and sorrow and hurt

I draw weeping women in the stars 

With tears so large you drown in them

They all surround me and ask

If I was hurting, how I hid it, why I did

I can only smile sadly, shrug, walk away

Because I didn’t hide, you just never saw

And believe me when I say, it was obvious 

But I supposed nothing is to the blind

I write stories in my head

Plays, musicals, chapter books

Plots winding with bubbling

Rivers between hilltops

Of the struggles

I project onto them

The characters

No job but to sit,

Speak, react as I dictate

Rewind when it doesn’t 

Go the way I plan

Start over 

Multiverse after multiverse

But they aren’t blind

Watch world’s destroyed

And rebuilt, families

Grow and die quicker

Than the leaves fall

Leaves reverse

Leaves die

And regrow

Like the hair

And wrinkles that mark

Their faces

As time moves along

A undefined road

Jumping between

Lines like magic

Just here one second

And there the next 

I dream of my stories

Ones where I write lyrics

And I am loved

Where I write real stories

And I am loved

Where I save the world

And I am loved

Where I do nothing at all

But I am still loved

Cycling through characters

Like Poké cards

Pick and choose

And change

Every aspect

Every time

But in the end

Its all the same

They turn to me

At the brink of

Wakefullness

Turn to me

And say

Well look where

You are and 

I am in the river

Floating in the 

Speeding currents

Hills made of

The struggles I fear

Lining the banks

I see water fall in

The distance

Hear the tumbling

Turning, thrashing

Sun hits the stream

Lighting it up with

The oranges and yellows

But no red

Its waiting for mine

My red will complete

The painting 

Spilling out my body 

Like tears I hide 

Behind stories

But I do nothing 

Sit in a rotting boat

Enjoy the river rocking

And watch 

I can only play my part

Because the lines

Are already written

Every story is the same

It starts and ends with one

A birth, a cry

A death, just silence

Nothing changes a story

The people they meet

Friends they make

Brothers, sisters, siblings

Blood or shared tears

Ink of the plot

Never bleeds

Never smudges

Everyone fights to

Change the story

Running away from

A ticking, never disappears

Tocking stalker 

Spinning hands

That can’t be dodged

Slice, slice!

A thread, a head

Cut down on the dot

Never miss the best

Nothing changes a story

But we keep reading

Turn the page 

Desperate pleads

Clawing their way

Out of chambers

Locked in hearts

Long turned to stone

Why do we keep

Reading, hoping, begging

The lines are written

The arc’s fixed

In place, but still

Our eyes fly through 

Pages written

With blood of authors 

Fallen on dusty typewriters 

Ignored in favor of

Deadlines looming

Deadlines…

Not unlike our own

All life’s a deadline

Expiration dates

Tattooed on eyelids

The second they open

So we hope that

The story never ends

Because if this one goes on

Maybe ours will too

I never hurt myself

But there were days when razor blades dripped with blood

Invisible to the world, but obvious from behind my glasses

Hiding eyes sunken in, buried under bags dark without the sleep

I promised my mother I was getting

I didn’t like lying

I never hurt myself

But one day I found myself in a locked bathroom

Mirror too bright, too much the image of myself I’m sure was fake

There were screws on the wall that held pictures long gone, shattered

And I pulled it out, fingernails scraping against popcorn walls

I stare at brown-fair skin, tan lines of the watch plotting my living, 65 bpm baby

Tan lines replaced by red, angry, bright, dripping down

There’s a pool of maroon on the floor, below the diving board

I wonder what it would be like to fall

Fingers tight around the screw, I draw the outlines of my perfect lines

Dig in deeper, beautifully parallel quintuplet marks, white on brown 

But I can’t break the skin, all my mind screams is “tetanus” 

…..why didn’t it scream “don’t hurt me”

I never hurt myself

I never broke the skin

Because my brain can do so much worse

“shut up”, “they don’t care”, “don’t bother them with your stupidity”

“it’s all in your head”

Oh well, you’re right, in my head it is, but I wish it were that simple

See, my head is a battleground, littered with bodies of soldiers long dead

A compliment with a spear in his back, a hug brutally decapitated

Monster rages in the distance, it wavers and stumbles, but never falls

Spews the culmination of every humiliation and abandonment

Its weapons are the mistakes I haven’t made yet and may never do

It’s the possibility that stings more

I have never hurt myself

I bear no parallel scars

I left the razor blades in the drawer in my parents bedroom

But that doesn’t mean I’m not bleeding

My body is one wound, grotesque, don’t look at me

My tears are the only clear lines in a painting of rotten ichor

I am a tower of Legos crumbling to pieces, I try to rebuild

But you can’t build a masterpiece without a foundation

So I fall, fall, fall again, silent in the night 

I scream, no pillow to muffle the sound because no one will hear anyway

Maybe that’s why I’m screaming, why aren’t they listening 

I forgot that I gifted them headphones, noise canceling

So I scream away and beg that someone comes running

But they don’t, they never do, is it my fault or theirs

I say nothing and they do nothing

But it’s all OK, because I never hurt myself

I used to think home was place

Life could never touch, a safe

Haven built by the hands

That hold me, with walls that could withstand

Anything

Yet the very thing

That destroyed my home

The reason I cannot roam

Beyond my invisible barrier

Is because the people are carriers

We used to share the bubble

But now I struggle

To stay in my lane

Because hugs were what kept me sane

And now I can’t touch anymore

Sorry for the emotion, it’s kind of a sore

Subject, you see

They think I’m only worried about me

But our closeness kept me from breaking

Apart, without it I’m making

Every mistake, so I don’t go

In the house now, see I know

Better than to engage

Avoidance is my best strategy anyway

So I sit, crying brokenly

On the patio, where I would never openly

Be vulnerable, feelings never shown

But now my room’s a danger zone

So this is my new refuge

And I’m sorry but I refuse

To stay locked in my room

And don’t you dare assume

I don’t care, but I’m falling

Apart here, I’m calling

But they all have to stay

Six feet away

I used to think home was a safe place

But now it’s not and on my face

There’s a mask permanently fixed in place

And the only time it comes off is in my car

The only time you can see all my scars

To live is to be known

So I guess I’m dead

Bring the lilies, all white

Compliment the people in black

Let’s have a party

Throw your heads back

Scream into an empty night

I hope it’s a full moon

When I go up in flames

I’ll join the stars

Alive only in name

Then I’ll disintegrate

And be forgotten

I wasn’t known anyway

Can’t take too long

Memories fade in days

Laughing in parks

Singing in cars

Dancing in dark corners

That’s what you remember

So my pain will die

Quietly forgotten

The voice in my head

Dies alone, unknown

Because I never told

Anybody, there’s just

Too much of me for

Anyone to hold

I’m buried by

The weight of pain

I shouldered alone

Atlas hides behind the

Smile you remember

So say your goodbyes

Lay flower on wood

Turn away and remember

Whoever you want

Infinite doppelgangers

Run free in nostalgia

But none of them are close

Because to live is to be known

And I was born to die

I grew up in a world of color

Dazzling bursts in the sky

Vibrant powder hurled in every direction

These are my memories of youth

Slightly blurred, as many’s are

But with rainbow-tinted finish

Instead of rose

I return to the land of color

The victorious hero, expecting

A welcome of reds and yellows

Hearth-fire warm

A farewell of blues, greens, and purple

Bittersweet end with hidden beauty

But I am greeted with only

Grey indifference

Black judgement

And white exclusion

Colors don’t welcome me home

I sink into an abyss of

Monochrome numbness

And wonder

Whether this is home

Anymore

I see colors off in the distance

Hear sparks and bangs

Children’s laughter

And shadows of the vibrance

I know exists elsewhere

Because the colors still

Celebrate and welcome and shine

But they no longer

Shine for me

I can do it over again

I can be funnier

Land the punchline right

Be the life of the party

I can do it over again

I can be more social

Never cancel when I’m tired

Show up with a smile

I can do it over again

I can be prettier

Do my makeup every day

Learn how to dress earlier

I can do it over again

I can be more popular

Learn the lingo, the jokes

Put in the time to fit in

Please let me do it over again

I swear I can be better this time

I hide behind locked doors

In more ways than one

Lock my heart behind

Cement walls and fences

So no one can see the cracks

Tears disappear behind

Wide smiles, teeth showing

Strained around the edges

But no one looks twice

Breakdowns only happen

Inside closed doors

Hood over my face

Music blasting in the car

Covering the sounds of

My facade crumbling

I hide a lot and I hide often

But I never hide well

No one notices anyway

Sometimes I wonder

Why I hide at all

Because no one will

Come running to save me